Walking away from Cambridge University just months after arriving felt like walking away from everything I thought I was meant to be. For years, I believed that getting into a top university would be the key to everything falling into place, but my reality was far different. Instead of finding success, I found myself crumbling under the weight of expectations- both my own and those I thought the world had for me. The path I had worked towards for so long no longer felt right. For me, that realisation led to the hardest decision of all: leaving it behind and starting again.
A Dangerous Mix: High Pressure and Poor Mental Health
Like many students, I grew up assuming that university was the natural next step; it was never a question of if I would go, but when and where. In October 2022, after deferring twice due to my mental health, I finally moved to Cambridge. It felt like an opportunity I couldn’t waste- a culmination of years of hard work and dedication. But looking back, I see how unprepared I was for the intensity of university life. The academic rigour, the social expectations, and the pressure to “make the most of it” were like fuel to a fire that was already burning inside of me. Though I had struggled with my mental health for most of my life- primarily anxiety, depression, and later an eating disorder- I assumed I could push through, as I always had before.
Upon arriving, I quickly realised that university life was a different world compared to school. It seemed like everyone around me was excelling effortlessly, while I felt like I was barely managing to stay afloat. I felt so out of place, as if I had somehow tricked my way in and was unworthy of being there. It wasn’t long before I spiralled further into self-doubt, convinced I was a fraud.
On top of that, I experienced intense homesickness- something I hadn’t expected at all. During Freshers’ Week, I caught the inevitable “Freshers’ Flu” and didn’t leave my room for days. While I was genuinely unwell, it also became a convenient excuse to isolate myself- an escape from everything that was overwhelming me.
Thankfully, I had friends who checked in on me and pulled me out of that isolation. Despite their efforts, the homesickness and mental strain persisted. Even when I tried to re-engage with university life, the feeling of being disconnected from everything around me grew stronger.
During my brief time at Cambridge, there were aspects of university life that I genuinely loved. The friends I met were a lifeline, as were the Porters in my college. I found my lectures truly fascinating and it felt amazing to be surrounded by people with so much passion. Yet, despite these positive experiences, something still didn’t feel right. The mere mention of exams triggered panic attacks and filled me with dread. The homesickness continued to weigh heavily on me, a constant reminder that I wasn’t where I needed to be.
The Guilt of Wasting an Opportunity
Leaving Cambridge was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but it was also a necessary one. It became clear that staying in that environment- no matter how prestigious- was only going to make things worse.
The guilt of not fully appreciating my time at Cambridge was overwhelming. I was painfully aware of how fortunate I was to have been given that opportunity- one that many would dream of. Dropping out wasn’t just about leaving university or the loss of a degree; it felt like turning my back on everything I had worked so hard for.
My thoughts kept circling back to the same question: How could I not go to university? It’s a sentiment that’s deeply ingrained in our society- that your degree is the ultimate validation of your hard work. Walking away felt like a failure.
Redefining Success
University is not the only path to a fulfilling life. The months following my decision to leave were some of the hardest of my life. For a long time, I felt directionless, having lost the one thing I thought defined me- my academic achievements. I didn’t know who I was without that identity. However over time, and still today, I’m learning to reconnect with things that genuinely make me happy.
Over the past year, I’ve been privileged with the time and support to explore this. My focus has shifted towards pursuing a career in fashion and journalism- areas that truly excite me. The journey hasn’t been straightforward. I often worry about how the absence of a degree on my CV might impact future job prospects. Nevertheless, I’ve been building my experience through various roles, including work with Alchemy London and Minka Dink London, and internships with fashion teams at several newspapers.
A crucial part of this process has been having a focus and direction. Starting my “Drop-Out Diaries” series on TikTok has been particularly helpful, allowing me to document my current stage and also connect with others navigating similar journeys.
In many ways, my journey through university and beyond has been about redefining what success means to me. It’s no longer about meeting external expectations but about finding joy in what I do and finding a balance between ambition and well-being, rather than forcing myself into a mould that doesn’t fit. Dropping out didn’t mean I stopped learning or growing; it simply meant I began pursuing something that felt more authentic to who I am.
It’s important to acknowledge that my experience isn’t universal. Many people thrive at university, finding it to be a place where they grow and form lifelong connections. My story isn’t intended to discourage anyone from attending university, but rather to remind those who may be struggling that it’s okay to question if it’s the right path for them.
If there’s one thing I hope people take from my story, it’s that there’s no shame in stepping away from something that isn’t working, even if it feels like you’re “supposed” to persevere. University can be a wonderful experience, but it isn’t the only path to success or happiness. Sometimes, you have to trust yourself and follow the path that feels right for you, even if it’s different from the one you originally envisioned.
