The Autumn Guide: How To: Enjoy Enemies-to-Lovers without Dating Like it
How To: Enjoy Enemies-to-Lovers without Dating Like it
By Ifeoma Ukaonu
Edited By: Joda Amankrah
The emergence of autumn, darker nights beckon us to rewatch the ever so sentimental genre of rom-com/hallmark films we all know and love.
As our thick blankets become all the more imperative and the warmth of summer begins to dissipate, we look to satiate that need to feel warm with an ever so familiar genre that we all know will keep us cosy.
Passionate and forever giving, we indulge in the delectable delight of enemies to lovers.
From Kate Sharmer and Anthony Bridgerton’s sizzling sex scenes of the Regency Era to the burning performance of Jessica Day and Luke Miller in New Girl. Whether captured in a passionate kiss or a heart churching confession, these characters make it effortlessly easy to romanticise such an intense relationship.
The enemies-to-lovers trope works so well in fiction because it plays on the illusion that such a hungry, intense love is achievable in real life. The intentionality of it all: every fight leads to a passionate making up, every disagreement used to reaffirm such deep lust, every lingering thought is to be nurtured in another scene.
All these curated moments of desperation and infatuation are guaranteed to foster a healthy, prosperous relationship in the future. Essentially, there is a calm to the storm; that chemistry and compatibility do not need to co-exist.
In real life, these dynamics hack away at the emotional stability one has in themselves and others. The push-and-pull effect adds to the polarising excitement of being wanted and discarded. The winning back of another person, the proving that you mean more to them than they realise, that despite this tug of war, you are the only one they dare to fight for and possibly commit to.
The reason we keep coming back for more, the reason that we beg for the good old enemies-to-lovers trope back is that we don’t see the emotional unpacking unfold in real time.
Why did they leave me?
Was I not good enough?
These all-consuming questions plague the mind, gouging out any sense of self-confidence. Weeks, months, or even years can go by; as time moves on, the rollercoaster of loving your ‘enemy’ leaves you stagnant, never moving, never feeling.
Believing that you need to love like that again is all that ruminates within the chambers of your heart.
In real life, ‘enemies’ do not lead to healthy and safe relationships. They sow seeds of doubt, undesirability, and confusion.
And so the question of whether or not to let go ensues. The reality is that this high will never satiate your desire to be consistently loved.
So how do we balance the craving for excitement with the need for something deeper and lasting?
Humanisation.
The person you’re in love with is not a fictional character. Your love story with that person should not be filled with some endless, forgiving narrative; there are consequences to your actions. Although rare, there are people who have boundaries who aren’t willing to love you at the expense of their own peace.
Attachment theory also provides a fascinating lens for understanding why people act the way they do in relationships.
Avoidants, in fear of being vulnerable, close the door of intimacy before it can even shine any light.
Meanwhile, anxiously attached individuals can suffocate a budding connection, not allowing flowers to blossom at their own pace.
Deep down, these two attachments want to be loved, but the ghosts of their own lives, their own experiences prohibit the small voice that echoes the statement, ‘It’s okay to trust; it’s okay to let things flow without trying to control.’
Now, practicing intention. Reaffirm what you want. If a healthy relationship is what you desire,
step into that world without overanalysing or overthinking what to do.
When you feel like your triggers are flaring up, communicate. You can only gain clarity from a situation that you can understand. Patience and time, as well as practice, will allow you to believe that you have the emotional tools to overcome your triggers. Once you can prove to yourself that you can work through a situation that makes you uncomfortable, you have also shown yourself that you can be your desired self.
We don’t hate enemies-to-lovers ( well, most of us don’t), we love it. Watching Andie Anderson and Benjamin Barry quarrel and then fall in love is SO fun to watch! The passion between characters really gets all of us going! But in real life, with real people, we must handle people with care and compassion!
So! That’s our first discussion for Babsii’s Autumn How To! Stay cosy this season - curl up on the sofa, sprawl across your bed perhaps watching The Summer I Turned Pretty finale. Whatever you’re doing, even if it’s with your Build-A-Bear, let’s stay mindful of the relationships we want, let’s choose what we want to emulate, no matter how alluring the enemies-to-lovers look on screen.
XOXO, IFFY
