LOVE FROM: How can the pill be both the devil and an angel ?
How can the pill be both the devil and an angel ?
By Lizzy Welch
You should probably be listening to: Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
I was twelve when I became ‘a woman’.
What an odd phrase right? Yes, biologically, we can begin to reproduce when our period start, but in the eyes of the law (and quite obviously morally) the act that causes one to become pregnant should not be occurring to a twelve year old. Because, if it wasn’t obvious, they are a child. NOT a woman.
This phrase would go on to scar me for the next six years of my life. Being one of the only three girls in my year to start my period in year 7, I felt completely different to those around me. Whilst many of them were still years away from any sort of womanly development, I felt my childhood being ripped away from me as every month passed.
Why do I have to explain to my form tutor that the reason I don’t fancy talking about my weekend is because my uterus is folding itself in half whilst playing the drums on my back?
Why do I have to tell my math’s teacher that no, I can't wait until break time to use the toilet, because the pad that I am wearing is about to begin overflowing and dribbling down my legs?
Why do I have to sit on the bench so everyone can tell it's ‘that time of the month’, during swimming lessons in PE, because I am not yet prepared to shove cotton wool with string hanging out of it up my vagina?
I felt completely alone, and completely out of my depth. Whilst I was looking in M&S with my mum for an underwired bra to fit my newly sprouted B cups, my best friends were all still wearing their cute vests that said ‘Monday’ on them. Don’t get me wrong, I'm sure not all twelve year olds were still wearing vests, but because I was so focused on now being a ‘woman’ , I was hyper-fixated on those that were still in that innocent bubble. I was jealous, and I was in no way ready to take on this next wave in my life. But, I had no say in the matter, and that was the hardest part of it all.
Starting my period at twelve, and facing everything that came with that, was clearly not enough for the universe, and so, it decided that it had to make it outrageously heavy, last for seven days and come every two to three weeks!! Mother nature ay, what’s she like?! By heavy, I'm talking night-time pads filled up within just an hour, Cramps that last for twenty minutes at a time, and PMS that would make you think I had genuine anger issues.
It was hell.
This was becoming WAY too much for me. I felt so out of my depth and so screwed over. What did I do? Why me? All I wanted was for it to go away. Of course, it couldn't be stopped, but it could be made easier. And this was when I was first introduced to…THE PILL.
The pill was a pretty new concept to me ( I mean, it should be for a child), however, the little knowledge I did have on it, suggested that it was in no way meant for me. This was until my fairy godmother (the sexual health nurse) explained to me that my periods would become much lighter, they wouldn't last as long, I would get an extra two weeks a month of freedom, and my PMS, cramps and embarrassment would all be reduced. Hell was becoming a bit more heavenly. So I thought.
This was the start of what felt like a ten year long clinical trial. Trying pill after pill, I was desperate to find one that would ‘work for me’. Whilst one would create the worst cramps you could ever imagine, another would cause trips to the gynecologist with genuine concern for my health. It was a never-ending cycle.
The most damaging part of the pill for me, was that it wasn't even for contraception. Being so young when I started, all I wanted was an escape from the inevitable. Growing up.
When I did reach that point in my life where I would be taking the pill for ‘other’ reasons (SEX), it didn't even feel like a pivotal moment for me. Once again I felt left out, and three steps ahead of everyone else. Other girls would introduce the pill into their lives and announce it to their friends to let them know they were in fact sexually active. Woo hoo!
I had been taking it for years prior and felt as though I never got to appreciate the process of becoming a woman, and instead all I did was resent it and resent others that got to have a more gracious process.
After being on the pill for 10 years, I decided to come off it.
I was ready to experience my ‘womanhood’, for real. Turns out, your period at twenty one is not as big of a deal as it is when you’re twelve! I was so shocked and taken aback when I could wear a tampon for four hours, or actually feel how my mood was affected by each point in my cycle. Sure it was still coming every three weeks and just as heavy as before, but I could manage it better as an adult. I was enjoying learning about how different hormones affected me at different stages, and how relieving it was to get my period after my luteal phase. I was finally experiencing the excitement of a period that I had missed out on all those years ago. It was refreshing and I finally felt like I had gained that control back that I lost when I started so young.
The pill has got a massive negative reputation. I personally thought it was the devil in a pill. However, two years after being off the pill, I have decided to go back onto it.
This is a huge thing for me after being a massive anti-pill warrior since coming off it. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many side effects to the pill and many people do not work with it. I didn’t for years! But after taking the time to understand my natural body, I realised it wasn't the pill that affected me, but it was the way it was used.
I was trying to stop something that couldn't be stopped, and rather than gaining education, and guidance from that so-called ‘fairy godmother’ - I was whacked on a medication that they had no clue if it would work for me or not. I had not yet fully developed. My body ,or my brain for that matter, had not yet come to terms with this new change in my life. What I needed was understanding and help navigating this new journey, not a bunch of hormones that would make me feel like a completely different person.
Thousands of girls are put on the pill as a way to fix an issue, but the reality is that a lot of the time, they're just putting a wet blue-paper towel on a broken leg. It doesn't help much!
Bad skin? The pill. Feeling down? The pill. Heavy periods? The pill.
There is such a lack of education around the pill, and in turn it is also creating a toxic narrative of it too. The pill can be so damaging to some people, but it can also be a life saver for others. The aggression around the pill needs to be directed more towards those in education and those who ignore women's symptoms as if they don't know their own bodies!
After going through my own process and coming to terms with my body and how I feel, I was able to come to the conclusion that it was time to try again. I've chosen the Zoely pill which has a lower hormone dose and is most like my own natural production. It is newer on the market and wasn't even around when I first started taking the pill. This time, it's the right decision for me. This time, my decision was filled with educational backing, guidance from my therapist and my contraceptive decisions! It’s no longer a cover up, or an escape but an informed decision.
Yes, the pill can make you angry, or emotional, cause sickness, headaches, make you hate your boyfriend and thousands of other side effects that are written out on the duvet sized information booklet in the box. But the important thing to remember is that it also actually helps a lot of women too. It's important to educate yourself and find something that works for you. Just because one woman uses super super plus tampons, (me lol) doesn’t mean every woman needs to wear super super plus tampons. Everyone is different and jumping onto ‘the most popular’ pill is most likely not going to be the one for you (or half the women on it). Go away and research, learn about the menstrual cycle more and your own body! Tell the nurse what you need, not what they want you to have. Because no one knows your body and cycle more than you do.
There are so many different ranges of contraception, whether you're looking to help with PMS like me, or are dealing with endometriosis, depression or acne. There is something for everyone, even if that something is nothing at all! But it is so important to talk to people who genuinely care about your wellbeing and your symptoms, not just whacking you on a pill that works for 1% of the population.
A great website to find out about all the different types of contraception is: https://www.brook.org.uk/topics/contraception/ where you can also take a test to see which is best suited for you.
A great article on the different pills there are is:
‘Becoming a woman’ is hard, and we are all so strong for dealing with everything we do. Whether you were too young to understand like me, or it came easy like Sunday morning, you should be proud of yourself. We put up with a lot, and each month are faced with a week of downs with little ups and a week of blood, sweat and tears. Literally.
Keep smiling, and trust in yourself when it comes to your body.
Love from, a girl with no clue x
