Why Dating Apps Don’t Work, and Why You are Part of the Problem
Why Dating Apps Don’t Work, and Why You are Part of the Problem
By Lauren Bottrill
“Why the fuck are we single?” my very exasperated friend cries as we lie on opposite sofas in my tiny apartment, hungover. We have spent the past hour passing phones back and forth to examine various Hinge profiles, ridiculing prompt answers and gagging over the fifth gym selfie we’ve seen in a row (to be fair, that may be due to the three bottles of wine we had last night, but then again, probably not). As I swipe left on the seventh ‘My Perfect Sunday? A roast and a dog walk’ I’ve seen today, I sigh and reluctantly close the Hinge app. “I give up, I’ll never meet anyone and I’ll be single forever and die alone” I say to my friend, who replies “maybe try Tinder?”. I comply, and the cycle starts again.
Dating was different before social media. You would meet someone at a coffee shop, a college class, a friend of a friend, and have the majority of your interactions face to face, where there is no escape, and also, no distractions. What I mean is, if you are talking to someone online, and get bored or uninspired, you can just close the app, turn off your phone, half of the time forgetting you had left someone on ‘read’.
It is different in person. You have to try harder. If there is a gap in conversation, the usual reaction is to search for a new topic or explore common ground. Even without talking, you are in each other's presence and still experiencing that person. The relationships I know that began this way are usually more successful; this is because dating requires boredom. Dating needs challenges. Dating needs patience.
Dating apps are a flawed way to date in an age of short form content and lower attention span. Tiktok rarely stops me in my tracks. I often skip away from a video before I even know what it is about, and jump through long form content to decide if it is worth my time. Dating has become the same for me. I can swipe through ten different guys in less than a minute on Tinder, briefly examining selfies and assessing bios, and inevitably swiping left, rarely giving consideration to what each person might be like or choosing to engage in a conversation. On reflection, this comes from a depleted attention span.
On the infrequent occasion that a conversation is sparked online with a potential suitor, it is so often back-and-forth small talk with seemingly no resolution (in this case, the proposal of a date) in sight. So many times have these conversations fizzled into nothing, at most, a new instagram follower and a profile to show the girls over coffee. I default to blaming the men for their lack of initiative, complaining “how hard is it to ask me for a drink?” or “what happened to chivalry?” Turns out, I am part of the problem.
Now, I do not think it is a bad thing to be picky, you should have standards and know what you want from a partner. Dating apps, however, entice you with the idea that there could be someone better, even if the profile in front of you is meeting your baseline requirements (not a Scorpio, has a job, no obvious signs of psychopathy) Our widened pool of candidates means we have less patience for challenges we might meet when dating somebody new.
At the first sign of trouble - maybe a lull in the conversation or one bad picture on their instagram from 2018 - it is easier to think “I’ve got lots of other options, maybe I’m just one swipe away from the love of my life?!” The truth is that whilst there are hundreds of people to meet, there are not as many that we can love. This is because relationships take time - no successful relationship I know happened instantly. We all dream of our ‘love at first sight’ moment, but in reality, it takes time to even realise you are attracted to someone. Lots of the relationships I have experienced first hand, either through friends or myself, began with friendship, or uncertainty, or bad timing. Yet, through effort and patience, a relationship blossomed.
So do not be too hard on yourself - dating apps feed on our short attention spans and the promise of the perfect match, when in reality, neither of those things are part of the equation for a successful relationship. I have made the decision to delete both Hinge and Tinder after a year of very unsuccessful usage; quite frankly, I find them exhausting and I am fed up. I do think dating apps can work if they are used more mindfully, with patience, attention and creativity standing at the forefront of this. Oh, and if the only time you are swiping is whilst you’re hungover in a desperate search for some sort of dopamine, this is probably part of the problem too (it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me).
